from raw meat to well done

i am just drying my tears as i come to a place to write about this. i had no intention of even watching a movie about birth, let alone write about it today. i have so much emotion about this topic and maybe this will help me process through it. there is a lot of healing needed and maybe i'm ready.

as with most births, mine didn't go anything as planned or even hoped for. but she's here and that's all that matters. right? that's what i would like to feel or even think. but there is just so much more there. so here it is. something i didn't think i wanted to share. but it's something so deep in my heart.

*please be prepared. feelings may be hurt. but they're not meant to be. that's not what it's about. this is just my story. my side and my feelings about it.

imogen piper stanton:

i was approaching two weeks late from the actual due date and experiencing false labor every night. no one told me that weeks before she could come that you could have labor pains and be fooled every time. no one. that's when i say her birth story began. because i want to give insight on this.

rob's sister {jenn} came to visit in hopes of the baby being already born or hopefully soon. we were at the end of her first week here and still waiting with anticipation. it was while watching the movie btk killer with them as well as his mom that i started to feel contractions. i went to bed that night thinking they would probably stop and just be false labor again, but knew deep down that this was it. at 10:00 p.m. i could no longer lay in bed. the contractions were only bearable as long as i was up and moving. i tried to let rob sleep, but i think we were just too excited. when they became 7-10 minutes apart we tried calling our doula to let her know this was for real. no answer. we waited a little while longer and tried again. no answer. 6-7 minutes apart now and i was thinking we had to let someone know this baby was trying to come. i didn't want to wake my midwife up just yet, but called her anyway. {she was already up for another birth, so we were ok} we let her know we couldn't get ahold of my doula. she said to keep trying and call her back when my contractions were 3-4 minutes. finally we got ahold of the doula and she was on her way.

we labored at our home for a couple more hours. she helped me breath and relax through each pain. it helped so much. around 6:00 a.m. we headed to the birth center. i don't suggest laboring in a car especially in a city, but we made it. with the help of my doula, we made it. i felt peace and a since of calmness as we entered the little house and remember just smiling. rob plugged in our birth playlist and we continued to labor. "in, out, in, out" "1, 2" "1, 2" i said in my head while inhaling and exhaling through each contraction. after a few hours, the midwife checked me. 4-5 centimeters.

half way there!

my family had plans to come to texas for the big 12 championship game. regardless of baby. so my parents were already on their way. they got lost coming to the birth center which was no surprise because they get lost all the time. or at least turned around. i don't remember my dad coming to say hi, but i remember how excited my mom was. it kind of made me nervous, but i knew i had her support and love.

we tried the birth tub, sitting, laying, hugging, standing, but the best position for me was to lay over the exercise ball. rob and my doula took turns placing there hands on my back and applying pressure to help me get through each contraction. it was past lunch time and the smell of rob's only bite of food made me nauseous and throw up. everyone thought this was a good sign. but still nothing. every time i went to the bathroom, i felt so much pressure and thought maybe she's about to come. but still nothing.

after several more hours, the midwife checked me again. 2 centimeters. what. how. i lost it. i started to cry. all this hard work and i was trying so hard. relaxing, breathing. concentrating. praying. she never said how i went from 4-5 to 2, but she pulled rob into the hall and told him she thought i needed to go to the hospital.

i was sobbing, when she came and told me.

after 17 hours, i got in the car and we headed to the maternity ward. that drive was so long and my contractions never let up. i tried to remember to inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth, but don't think i ever got it right. i was in pain.

they wouldn't let us pass the front desk and sign in later. rob and i were forced to split up and he was left to fill out paper work. i had my mom by my side, but i needed him. my contractions were not even a minute apart and had to have his hands on my back to get through them. i had to change, have an iv and my water broken within the first hour i was there.

as soon as the doctor saw me he wanted to put me on pitocin. not yet {please}. at that point he hadn't even broken my water. he was supposed to be a more natural doctor. and pro midwives. i still wasn't progressing. my contractions were on top of each other now. i felt like i couldn't even catch my breath. i made the nurses bust out their exercise ball. our doula had taken a break to be with her family so rob and our assistant midwife took turns pressing on my back. why was there so much pain coming from my back? i was told contractions just feel like bad menstrual cramps, but not these "1,2" "1,2", "in,out" "in,out"

at one point i looked up at rob and he was taking his second bite from his lunch. this was the only time i got a little upset and said "why are you always over there eating? i need your help"

i knew this wasn't true and that it sounded mean, but for some reason i said it anyway. i forgot to apologize. i was kinda out of it.

with still not much progression, we tried to move the baby from posterior.

"this is going to be really painful, but we need to do it" my midwife said.

my mom was in the room when we were doing this and i think it scared her. i was on fire.

i was never told if we were successful in turning her, {but she didn't come out face up, so i guess we were.}

it was all so intense and i was trying so hard.

i don't know how they decided, but after talking with our midwife in the hall for awhile rob came in and told me they think i needed an epidural.

i cried.

again.

i wanted what was best for her and helping her get out at this point is what was needed. it was 10:00 on friday night and she had only 2 more hours if she wanted to share a birthday with my brother. rob later said the epidural is what got him. he almost passed out and didn't make it through it.

my midwives left at this point. i know they were exhausted and drained, but i didn't know they were not coming back. it didn't hit me until it was time to start pushing that i wouldn't have my support team there. after a few more hours my doula left again. i know she needed to be with her family.

i couldn't feel my contractions anymore and felt i was able to breath again. all we could do was wait. i talked with my mom and got to know my birth photographer {who was also pregnant} a little more. my dad went to go sleep in the car and rob was asleep on the chair. it was a well deserved sleep. he was my strength and i know i would not have made it as far as i did without him.

it was after 4:00 a.m. on saturday when i finally reached 10 centimeters. my doctor had gone home the night before and i had a new one now. she told me i had a lip on my cervix to try and push through and would most likely need a c-section. nope. i was determined to have this baby and not be cut open. so i started to push. and push over that lip. rob woke up then and my mom realized that she actually would be in the room when i delivered. my photographer was right by my side. she knew that i didn't have my support team and could see that the nurses weren't helping me. she became part of my family then, telling me how to push and when. it wasn't hard for her to jump in and help and i knew it wasn't supposed to be her role. this birth would not have happened without her.

this was it, it was happening.

"do you want to see her head?" they said.

i couldn't think of wasting any more time. i was ready to meet her. i continued to take deep breaths and push as hard as i could.

"she has so much hair."

"it's so dark."

i pushed harder.

at 5:05 after 32 hours.

imogen piper stanton was born

december 4.

8 pounds 15 ounces

i guess she wanted her very own birthday. i wish i knew when she had turned. i wish i didn't have to have help. i wish everyone who was there could have seen her. she was amazing. so beautiful. i wish rob could know this feeling.

everything they told me i could not do they let me. they let the cord wait until it was done pulsating to cut it. they let rob cut it. they let me hold her right away. skin to skin. and they didn't take her away to weigh her until i was ready.

i wish we could have gone home and held each other in our own bed. but we had to stay. i wanted to inspire those women who i know, about birth and i felt like i had failed. i wish my midwifes or doula could have been there. or came the next day to see us. i couldn't think about it because it made me hurt.

our families came with love and i was able to turn to our Lord through it all. this is how he designed it to be and how she came into this world. it's taken me awhile to get to this place and will continue to. i want to question so many things. but know it doesn't serve a purpose. she's here. and most of all, he has entrusted us with this precious gift so that we may love him more.