leftover friday

last weekend my parents and my youngest brother and family were in town to celebrate my cousin's wedding. it was fun to have them here and was a nice distraction from all things.

i can't tell you exactly how i am feeling.
but
the pressure of the mundane is squeezing me and i am no longer trying to come up for air. i like the hole that i've dug. the stillness, the quietness, the darkness,
i want to stay right here.
i can't be the strong one. i wasn't yesterday, nor will i be today. maybe i won't ever be.
i close my eyes and don't want them to open.
it is all so heavy
and it all makes me so weepy.
i am a little bit afraid and feel some guilt for the things i know i should be as a mom and a wife and a teacher right now.
and i think that's all grief.

i call upon His name because He is my strength.

"there is a kind of intimacy with the Lord Jesus, the creator of the universe, that only those know who hold fast to Him in the midst of sorrow and pain and loss." -John Piper

two years ago at this time dave and dawn came to visit for an entire week. i can't even begin to explain how grateful i am for that time together. little did we know the road that God would take them on.
this week i grieved over losing my female encouragement. dawn knew how to restore my confidence, she inspired me, cheered for me and was always on my side. i miss her so dearly.
and gosh, how i'm so very thankful rob knew her so well. we can go through this together.
i feel closer to him because of dawn and feel closer to dawn because of him.
and i'm just so sorry that dave will no longer have her encouragement, her energy, her spirit and her comfort.

my giant turns another year older. how i love him and how he loves. Gosh, I wish everyone knew just who he is, what he is and what he's about. he's life changing and I get him all my days.
and that's reason to celebrate.